Saturday, February 25, 2012
Notes to Myself: Running with Dogs & Personal Upkeep
The Guard Dog is currently in the front running. There is some SERIOUS energetics between us and it is very frightening and new to both of us, neither one knows how to proceed on things. We're both going blindly along, but at least we're holding hands and going together. We both keep hearing possible signs and omens, but we're both too cautions to speak about them directly. Our first real separation since beginning this strange journey is upon us, and neither one was doing as well as we had hoped. There is constant communication, which runs the gamut of "normal topics of conversation" to "Wow, this is such a weird thing we're both feeling, are you experiencing the same shit I am?"
He has training that I can never fully know the details of, but I wonder how much of his perception is from his training or his genetics? How much does he KNOW from his own experiences or research vs what he UNDERSTANDS as Truth? How much is he willing to believe? What does he already believe?
He's not an Old Dog yet, I think I can teach him a few more tricks >:3 I just hope he's a quick reader.
The Alpha Wolf is.. still hard to read. Often I feel more like a therapist than I do anything else, but the perks at the end of our 'sessions' make up for the delay. He's been seeking me out more lately, and while I have been letting my attention slide due to GD, I do make time for Alpha.
The Wolfhound has been disqualified from the race, by means of being a prick.
So now things are settling into some kind of pace towards the positive, I must speak of the Negative.
After Tuesday, I'll finally be physically freed from a huge weight that's been dragging at my psyche. After Tuesday, I will be free of that THING, once and for all. Then it will be a simple matter for cleaning up the final mess and I will be DONE WITH HIM FOREVER.
I have been unable to progress in my life beyond this point in time. It all hinges on the cusp that I know I must grok to fullness. I LIKE where my life is heading now. I LIKE the person I'm becoming, the version of me that no one else has ever seen. I LIKE the people in my life and the weeds are being pulled as they make themselves known.
I've helped two souls already beginning their own healing process. I've felt my own soul grow stronger and begin to fix itself of damage I hadn't even realized was done.
GD has helped immensely in this. His very presence calms and balances me. I still have juvenile reactions to intimacy, however, and it irks me to no end. I'm afraid to look at him or have him see too much of me. Almost all our encounters have been fully clothed, and only this last time did I make things easier by getting 'comfortable' after work. But in spite of the strong desire for physical contact, I felt... dirty for wanting it. It had been so long since what I wanted mattered, I had to stop myself from interpreting his hesitant motions as 'he's only doing this b/c he wants more.' I didn't know where it was going to stop, but when it got to be too much for me, he wasn't offended when I moved his hands away.
Respect is the one thing that I have rarely if even been shown by lovers. Adoration, desire, lust, yes, but respect is one of those concepts that you only understand if you've ever lost it all.
And GD respects me. He would do anything I asked him. Something I don't even need to ask, only show him or tell him ONCE and he retains the information.
It's an alien concept.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Baaaad Saliva Trip
Saliva 10X. I've used it twice before and had no adverse effects, both times were in safe surroundings, and as unnerving as the hallucinatory experience was, both were good trips with productive visions.
Not so with this last one. And I do mean last, I don't think I'll use it again at that strength. If ever again.
I had just finished a bedtime ritual on Valentine's Day to thank the gods for their blessings and to continue to bring more love into my life. Got into bed, lit bowl, inhale. Didn't get much, took a second hit. Big mistake.
The world turned into a very creepy Raggedy Ann & Andy cartoon world that had such a strong feeling of deja vu, I was terrified of which reality was Prime. Everything in my room was alive (a belief I've always had, but this was... wrong). I fell off the bed and rolled around, trying to pull myself out of it. Thankfully, the cat came over and I fixed on her. I remember saying "Achilles, help Mommy out of this!" She left the room and I followed her, crawling on the floor until I reached the doorway to the living room. I pulled myself up and clung to the wall, trying to shake the prickly cold feeling of being between worlds and struggling to ground myself in Prime Reality. Thoughts swirled in my head, words tried to form themselves on my tongue but I just couldn't croak them out. The feeling that I was just moments away from the break thru I'd been searching for was maddening, but it was also a coin toss between getting answers and losing my sanity. I called out for the Guard Dog and just saying his name brought a little bit of me back, it calmed me. I stumbled into the living room and groped for a light switch. Flipping the switch brought me back to the world and as the visions faded, I began to cry.
I had done a lot of research on Saliva before I ever tried it. I think the last 2 times had been a weaker extract (5X i think) and from a different supplier. This was a lot more potent and I was unprepared for the negative effects. While it has definitely turned me off of Saliva, it has also reinforced the fact that one MUST RESPECT THE SPIRITS OF THE PLANTS. They should not to be used recreationally (Cannabis is a grey area), but with proper setting, research, experience, and knowledge, Even then, one still takes the risk of not coming back. While I know that entheogens are to be a part of my practices, I will always use precautions and if I ever EVER decide to try hallucinogens again, it will be only after years of research and with a sitter. I have not be scared off of the path entirely, but I took a foolish risk, thinking I knew what I was doing. I'm lucky I got myself out of it with no damage.
Not so with this last one. And I do mean last, I don't think I'll use it again at that strength. If ever again.
I had just finished a bedtime ritual on Valentine's Day to thank the gods for their blessings and to continue to bring more love into my life. Got into bed, lit bowl, inhale. Didn't get much, took a second hit. Big mistake.
The world turned into a very creepy Raggedy Ann & Andy cartoon world that had such a strong feeling of deja vu, I was terrified of which reality was Prime. Everything in my room was alive (a belief I've always had, but this was... wrong). I fell off the bed and rolled around, trying to pull myself out of it. Thankfully, the cat came over and I fixed on her. I remember saying "Achilles, help Mommy out of this!" She left the room and I followed her, crawling on the floor until I reached the doorway to the living room. I pulled myself up and clung to the wall, trying to shake the prickly cold feeling of being between worlds and struggling to ground myself in Prime Reality. Thoughts swirled in my head, words tried to form themselves on my tongue but I just couldn't croak them out. The feeling that I was just moments away from the break thru I'd been searching for was maddening, but it was also a coin toss between getting answers and losing my sanity. I called out for the Guard Dog and just saying his name brought a little bit of me back, it calmed me. I stumbled into the living room and groped for a light switch. Flipping the switch brought me back to the world and as the visions faded, I began to cry.
I had done a lot of research on Saliva before I ever tried it. I think the last 2 times had been a weaker extract (5X i think) and from a different supplier. This was a lot more potent and I was unprepared for the negative effects. While it has definitely turned me off of Saliva, it has also reinforced the fact that one MUST RESPECT THE SPIRITS OF THE PLANTS. They should not to be used recreationally (Cannabis is a grey area), but with proper setting, research, experience, and knowledge, Even then, one still takes the risk of not coming back. While I know that entheogens are to be a part of my practices, I will always use precautions and if I ever EVER decide to try hallucinogens again, it will be only after years of research and with a sitter. I have not be scared off of the path entirely, but I took a foolish risk, thinking I knew what I was doing. I'm lucky I got myself out of it with no damage.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Guard Dog Proves His Title
I had a creeper show up at work tonight. He made me wicked uneasy
while I was trying to work, following me with this predatory look in his
eyes, and M, my co-worker, didn't like him hanging around either, but
was unable to kick him out. So I text the Guard Dog and he offers to
come up and keep an eye on things.
Creeper finally leaves, saying he'll be back later. M sticks around until her shift ends and then heads home. I send word to GD that I'm now alone and he can come up if he wants to, I'll reimburse him the gas if it's a bust.
30 minutes later, GD walks in.
Less than 5 minutes later, Creeper arrives. He stakes out a table in the corner while I'm putting away stock and talking to GD. With GD there, things are VERY different. Before, I got the distinct feeling that Creeper was trying to undress me by sheer force of mental will. Now, it was like he wasn't even there, cowering in the corner until I had to kick him out for closing time.
GD stuck around and drove me home, just in case Creeper was sitting outside.
The Guard Dog truly lives up to his title.
Creeper finally leaves, saying he'll be back later. M sticks around until her shift ends and then heads home. I send word to GD that I'm now alone and he can come up if he wants to, I'll reimburse him the gas if it's a bust.
30 minutes later, GD walks in.
Less than 5 minutes later, Creeper arrives. He stakes out a table in the corner while I'm putting away stock and talking to GD. With GD there, things are VERY different. Before, I got the distinct feeling that Creeper was trying to undress me by sheer force of mental will. Now, it was like he wasn't even there, cowering in the corner until I had to kick him out for closing time.
GD stuck around and drove me home, just in case Creeper was sitting outside.
The Guard Dog truly lives up to his title.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Note to Myself: Home Cooked vs Fast Food
Fast food is just that. It may be something you indulge in once in a while, or it can become your diet. Slightly better is restaurant food, but that's something one can only afford if one has the right amount of currency and free time. Home cooked can be the best of all, b/c you know exactly what's in it, who made it, and how it should taste. It takes time, effort, and love and is always worth it, but it can also get boring after a long while.
I lived on Fast Food for 2 years and look how sick I got. I haven't been to a restaurant in ages, and am looking forward to it again, but it doesn't seem to be in teh near future. Home-cooking is a valid option, but I don't have enough energy to put into anything serious right now. Quicky meals here and there, simple but sustaining. Enough to keep me going. I can still go to a restaurant, just don't bring home any leftovers.
I lived on Fast Food for 2 years and look how sick I got. I haven't been to a restaurant in ages, and am looking forward to it again, but it doesn't seem to be in teh near future. Home-cooking is a valid option, but I don't have enough energy to put into anything serious right now. Quicky meals here and there, simple but sustaining. Enough to keep me going. I can still go to a restaurant, just don't bring home any leftovers.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Night Out With the Guard Dog
Had a little surprise outing with the Guard Dog today.
I had to bring Shun home after he spent the weekend on my couch again. I had planned to roam the mall that evening after dropping him off, but then decided to see if GD could join me for company.
GD and I wander and talk and flirt and stuff, normal. I bring him home, we smooch in the driveway for a while, talk, smooch, etc..
Talk turned to GD's ghost hunting and paranormal things. Told me about the ghosts in his house and how his brother had seen things. I felt for the energies and got strong impressions. Described things to GD who nodded and said that's how his brother described the ghost. Creeped us both out.
All thru the evening, GD and I had heard music in stores and started signing along of our own accord. It was uncanny. Hears several songs on my playlist that I had been listening too the month before we first met. All music he already liked. Again, odd.
I had to bring Shun home after he spent the weekend on my couch again. I had planned to roam the mall that evening after dropping him off, but then decided to see if GD could join me for company.
GD and I wander and talk and flirt and stuff, normal. I bring him home, we smooch in the driveway for a while, talk, smooch, etc..
Talk turned to GD's ghost hunting and paranormal things. Told me about the ghosts in his house and how his brother had seen things. I felt for the energies and got strong impressions. Described things to GD who nodded and said that's how his brother described the ghost. Creeped us both out.
All thru the evening, GD and I had heard music in stores and started signing along of our own accord. It was uncanny. Hears several songs on my playlist that I had been listening too the month before we first met. All music he already liked. Again, odd.
Notes to Myself - Not a Game, but a Lesson Plan
With 3 players in this juggling game, I've got 3 lessons to learn fromeach of them. The test is not falling for anyof them indiviually. Spred my attention out between teh 3 of them, mange my time, learn from them and teach them in turn.
The Guard Dog teaches Trust.
The Wolfhound teaches Patience.
The Lone Wolf teaches .... I don't know yet. Confidence, maybe. Mine, not his.
The Locals:
The Wolfhound isn't always available, or responsive to text messages. That's because he's still owned by another mistress, whom he cannot fully escape. When he's managed to sneak away for a while, he will contact me. Wait for the next snow storm to really get an idea.
The Guard Dog... the Rottweiler. The dog who looks and sounds dangerous, and is in the wrong situations, but who was trained to protect. Intimidating and victim to "Judging a Book by its Cover" syndrome.
So many things about Guard Dog remind me of my ex, but then I have to remember that GD is very different. He comes from hardy stock, good breeding, and even though he's fucked up in his past, he's made an active effort to bring himself to better things and stay there. He's also well trained.
but so was he or so he claimed and you saw and felt for yourslef how much he hated things about you and women in general he dlighted in your torture there wqas soemthing wrong with him he was dangersous.
There's a big difference between a cat and a dog. cats are loyal to themselves, chaotic neutral in many cases. Dogs are generally lawful good or chaotic good.
Both the Wolfhound and the Guard Dog have their issues with mothers in their lives, but they also have strong bonds with fathers, sister,s and other relatives. No one's perfect and we all have black sheep int eh family, but most are grey.
The Wolfhound has been sniffing around me for a while, I'm comfortable with him after years of flirting and long talks. It's always been clear that with the Wolfhound, things are a more... bestial nature. A shape I"m comfortable with and a background close to my own. He is also very easy going and casual, and there has never been any pressure. If anything, there's been a lack of pressure until given the go-ahead. It could be just nerves, but those will fade in time.
The Guard Dog is fairly new, but has made the most profound progress. B/c he reminds me of what I've left behind, every time I learn new truths about him, they cross out my previous assumptions. While there is passion and desire, there is also temperance and control. The Guard Dog was a rough pup int eh past, but with proper training, grew into the self-assured, protective, well-conditioned guardian he is today. He is gentle to me, but doesn't hide his rough side in tales of past exploits. He is honest and doesn't push established boundaries without consent.
The Outsider:
The Lone Wolf.
He is damaged and the best way I can help him is by being available to talk and listen to his problems. He is in need most of my emotional stability and compassion. Neither the Wolfhound, nor the Guard Dog are in need of "fixing" as far as emotional issues go. They each seem to have control over their own shit, and even tho their lives aren't exactly how they would prefer them to be, they are comfortable in basic needs.
The Lone Wolf is a man-child, struggling to find his place as Alpha Wolf. He must carve out his niche in the world, but lacks the self confidence to do so. He has been the omega of the pack for most of his life and doesn't have the means to break free and begin anew.
The Wolf is anything from Lawful Good, to lawful Evil, depending on who you ask. This wolf... is to depressed to really show his true form. I have hope for him though.
The Guard Dog teaches Trust.
The Wolfhound teaches Patience.
The Lone Wolf teaches .... I don't know yet. Confidence, maybe. Mine, not his.
The Locals:
The Wolfhound isn't always available, or responsive to text messages. That's because he's still owned by another mistress, whom he cannot fully escape. When he's managed to sneak away for a while, he will contact me. Wait for the next snow storm to really get an idea.
The Guard Dog... the Rottweiler. The dog who looks and sounds dangerous, and is in the wrong situations, but who was trained to protect. Intimidating and victim to "Judging a Book by its Cover" syndrome.
So many things about Guard Dog remind me of my ex, but then I have to remember that GD is very different. He comes from hardy stock, good breeding, and even though he's fucked up in his past, he's made an active effort to bring himself to better things and stay there. He's also well trained.
but so was he or so he claimed and you saw and felt for yourslef how much he hated things about you and women in general he dlighted in your torture there wqas soemthing wrong with him he was dangersous.
There's a big difference between a cat and a dog. cats are loyal to themselves, chaotic neutral in many cases. Dogs are generally lawful good or chaotic good.
Both the Wolfhound and the Guard Dog have their issues with mothers in their lives, but they also have strong bonds with fathers, sister,s and other relatives. No one's perfect and we all have black sheep int eh family, but most are grey.
The Wolfhound has been sniffing around me for a while, I'm comfortable with him after years of flirting and long talks. It's always been clear that with the Wolfhound, things are a more... bestial nature. A shape I"m comfortable with and a background close to my own. He is also very easy going and casual, and there has never been any pressure. If anything, there's been a lack of pressure until given the go-ahead. It could be just nerves, but those will fade in time.
The Guard Dog is fairly new, but has made the most profound progress. B/c he reminds me of what I've left behind, every time I learn new truths about him, they cross out my previous assumptions. While there is passion and desire, there is also temperance and control. The Guard Dog was a rough pup int eh past, but with proper training, grew into the self-assured, protective, well-conditioned guardian he is today. He is gentle to me, but doesn't hide his rough side in tales of past exploits. He is honest and doesn't push established boundaries without consent.
The Outsider:
The Lone Wolf.
He is damaged and the best way I can help him is by being available to talk and listen to his problems. He is in need most of my emotional stability and compassion. Neither the Wolfhound, nor the Guard Dog are in need of "fixing" as far as emotional issues go. They each seem to have control over their own shit, and even tho their lives aren't exactly how they would prefer them to be, they are comfortable in basic needs.
The Lone Wolf is a man-child, struggling to find his place as Alpha Wolf. He must carve out his niche in the world, but lacks the self confidence to do so. He has been the omega of the pack for most of his life and doesn't have the means to break free and begin anew.
The Wolf is anything from Lawful Good, to lawful Evil, depending on who you ask. This wolf... is to depressed to really show his true form. I have hope for him though.
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