Saturday, February 25, 2012

Notes to Myself: Running with Dogs & Personal Upkeep

The Guard Dog is currently in the front running. There is some SERIOUS energetics between us and it is very frightening and new to both of us, neither one knows how to proceed on things. We're both going blindly along, but at least we're holding hands and going together. We both keep hearing possible signs and omens, but we're both too cautions to speak about them directly. Our first real separation since beginning this strange journey is upon us, and neither one was doing as well as we had hoped. There is constant communication, which runs the gamut of "normal topics of conversation" to "Wow, this is such a weird thing we're both feeling, are you experiencing the same shit I am?"

He has training that I can never fully know the details of, but I wonder how much of his perception is from his training or his genetics? How much does he KNOW from his own experiences or research vs what he UNDERSTANDS as Truth? How much is he willing to believe? What does he already believe?

He's not an Old Dog yet, I think I can teach him a few more tricks >:3 I just hope he's a quick reader.

The Alpha Wolf is.. still hard to read. Often I feel more like a therapist than I do anything else, but the perks at the end of our 'sessions' make up for the delay. He's been seeking me out more lately, and while I have been letting my attention slide due to GD, I do make time for Alpha.

The Wolfhound has been disqualified from the race, by means of being a prick.

So now things are settling into some kind of pace towards the positive, I must speak of the Negative.

After Tuesday, I'll finally be physically freed from a huge weight that's been dragging at my psyche. After Tuesday, I will be free of that THING, once and for all. Then it will be a simple matter for cleaning up the final mess and I will be DONE WITH HIM FOREVER.

I have been unable to progress in my life beyond this point in time. It all hinges on the cusp that I know I must grok to fullness. I LIKE where my life is heading now. I LIKE the person I'm becoming, the version of me that no one else has ever seen. I LIKE the people in my life and the weeds are being pulled as they make themselves known.

I've helped two souls already beginning their own healing process. I've felt my own soul grow stronger and begin to fix itself of damage I hadn't even realized was done.

GD has helped immensely in this. His very presence  calms and balances me. I still have juvenile reactions to intimacy, however, and it irks me to no end. I'm afraid to look at him or have him see too much of me. Almost all our encounters have been fully clothed, and only this last time did I make things easier by getting 'comfortable' after work. But in spite of the strong desire for physical contact, I felt... dirty for wanting it. It had been so long since what I wanted mattered, I had to stop myself from interpreting his hesitant motions as 'he's only doing this b/c he wants more.' I didn't know where it was going to stop, but when it got to be too much for me, he wasn't offended when I moved his hands away.

Respect is the one thing that I have rarely if even been shown by lovers. Adoration, desire, lust, yes, but respect is one of those concepts that you only understand if you've ever lost it all.

And GD respects me. He would do anything I asked him. Something I don't even need to ask, only show him or tell him ONCE and he retains the information.

It's an alien concept.

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