Monday, March 26, 2012

Note to Myself: Found Magics

Found a Silver Mercury Dime (1945) at work last night.

Never seen one before now.

Hauling ass on Etsy store plans.

.......leg/hip feels slightly less awful for the first time in weeks....

More later.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


He respects me.
He loves me.
He cares for me.
He cares about me.
He protects me from myself and the outside world.
He lets me stand on my own two feet.
He stands by my side.
He gives unconditionally.
He gives what he can.
He gives, even when he cannot afford to.
He asks for nothing in return.
He tells me the truth.
He tells me stories.
He tells me the most beautiful things.
He makes me smile.
He makes me laugh.
He makes me cry, but never in sorrow.
He knows more about me than I do.
He knows nothing about me.
He wants to learn all there is.

Friday, March 2, 2012

The Guard Dog is Knighted

On February 27th, I finally stopped floating my raft down Denial and admitted to both myself and the Guard Dog that I love him.

What has been blatantly obvious to everyone and anyone who sees us is now very clear to the both of us as well XD

Life has continued to be amazing. So much so that I haven't even had time to check and update social networking let alone the blog. When I'm fully able to grok all that happened, then I will write about it. Right now, the magic is still flowing strong. *giggle like a silly fairy and skitters off*

To all the Gods, Spirits, Ancestors, Guardians, and other critters who helped make this skeptical Witch into a true Believer:

Thank you. Thank you all. I asked for a sign, I got it. One after the other, all the pieces fit into place until there was absolutely no doubt in my mind who this Man was to me. The final piece that completed the puzzle has yet to fit, but I know it will (unless the Universe is like Milton Bradley and there's always a piece or two missing). There is no such thing as Perfect, but there is such a thing as Just Right.

My Knight is Just Right for me. To him, I'm his Princess, and his Witch. He knows what I am, he even understands some of it, and there's more to him than I could ever explain in words. He loves me for me, and there has never been any doubt that his attraction was merely physical. I've never been shown this much attentive care before in my life. Sometimes it's overwhelming and I feel fear and doubt crawl into position to pounce. But then I think of my Knight, and feel him by my side, and he gives me strength and comfort. 

I KNEW his middle name before he ever told it to me, before I could have even tried to find out. 

He IS my Knight. And someday, I hope, my King...

Thank you. For ever and always. Thank You for Him.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Notes to Myself: Running with Dogs & Personal Upkeep

The Guard Dog is currently in the front running. There is some SERIOUS energetics between us and it is very frightening and new to both of us, neither one knows how to proceed on things. We're both going blindly along, but at least we're holding hands and going together. We both keep hearing possible signs and omens, but we're both too cautions to speak about them directly. Our first real separation since beginning this strange journey is upon us, and neither one was doing as well as we had hoped. There is constant communication, which runs the gamut of "normal topics of conversation" to "Wow, this is such a weird thing we're both feeling, are you experiencing the same shit I am?"

He has training that I can never fully know the details of, but I wonder how much of his perception is from his training or his genetics? How much does he KNOW from his own experiences or research vs what he UNDERSTANDS as Truth? How much is he willing to believe? What does he already believe?

He's not an Old Dog yet, I think I can teach him a few more tricks >:3 I just hope he's a quick reader.

The Alpha Wolf is.. still hard to read. Often I feel more like a therapist than I do anything else, but the perks at the end of our 'sessions' make up for the delay. He's been seeking me out more lately, and while I have been letting my attention slide due to GD, I do make time for Alpha.

The Wolfhound has been disqualified from the race, by means of being a prick.

So now things are settling into some kind of pace towards the positive, I must speak of the Negative.

After Tuesday, I'll finally be physically freed from a huge weight that's been dragging at my psyche. After Tuesday, I will be free of that THING, once and for all. Then it will be a simple matter for cleaning up the final mess and I will be DONE WITH HIM FOREVER.

I have been unable to progress in my life beyond this point in time. It all hinges on the cusp that I know I must grok to fullness. I LIKE where my life is heading now. I LIKE the person I'm becoming, the version of me that no one else has ever seen. I LIKE the people in my life and the weeds are being pulled as they make themselves known.

I've helped two souls already beginning their own healing process. I've felt my own soul grow stronger and begin to fix itself of damage I hadn't even realized was done.

GD has helped immensely in this. His very presence  calms and balances me. I still have juvenile reactions to intimacy, however, and it irks me to no end. I'm afraid to look at him or have him see too much of me. Almost all our encounters have been fully clothed, and only this last time did I make things easier by getting 'comfortable' after work. But in spite of the strong desire for physical contact, I felt... dirty for wanting it. It had been so long since what I wanted mattered, I had to stop myself from interpreting his hesitant motions as 'he's only doing this b/c he wants more.' I didn't know where it was going to stop, but when it got to be too much for me, he wasn't offended when I moved his hands away.

Respect is the one thing that I have rarely if even been shown by lovers. Adoration, desire, lust, yes, but respect is one of those concepts that you only understand if you've ever lost it all.

And GD respects me. He would do anything I asked him. Something I don't even need to ask, only show him or tell him ONCE and he retains the information.

It's an alien concept.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Baaaad Saliva Trip

Saliva 10X. I've used it twice before and had no adverse effects, both times were in safe surroundings, and as unnerving as the hallucinatory experience was, both were good trips with productive visions.

Not so with this last one. And I do mean last, I don't think I'll use it again at that strength. If ever again.

I had just finished a bedtime ritual on Valentine's Day to thank the gods for their blessings and to continue to bring more love into my life. Got into bed, lit bowl, inhale. Didn't get much, took a second hit. Big mistake.
The world turned into a very creepy Raggedy Ann & Andy cartoon world that had such a strong feeling of deja vu, I was terrified of which reality was Prime. Everything in my room was alive (a belief I've always had, but this was... wrong). I fell off the bed and rolled around, trying to pull myself out of it. Thankfully, the cat came over and I fixed on her. I remember saying "Achilles, help Mommy out of this!" She left the room and I followed her, crawling on the floor until I reached the doorway to the living room. I pulled myself up and clung to the wall, trying to shake the prickly cold feeling of being between worlds and struggling to ground myself in Prime Reality. Thoughts swirled in my head, words tried to form themselves on my tongue but I just couldn't croak them out. The feeling that I was just moments away from the break thru I'd been searching for was maddening, but it was also a coin toss between getting answers and losing my sanity. I called out for the Guard Dog and just saying his name brought a little bit of me back, it calmed me. I stumbled into the living room and groped for a light switch. Flipping the switch brought me back to the world and as the visions faded, I began to cry.

I had done a lot of research on Saliva before I ever tried it. I think the last 2 times had been a weaker extract (5X i think) and from a different supplier. This was a lot more potent and I was unprepared for the negative effects. While it has definitely turned me off of Saliva, it has also reinforced the fact that one MUST RESPECT THE SPIRITS OF THE PLANTS. They should not to be used recreationally (Cannabis is a grey area), but with proper setting, research, experience, and knowledge, Even then, one still takes the risk of not coming back. While I know that entheogens are to be a part of my practices, I will always use precautions and if I ever EVER decide to try hallucinogens again, it will be only after years of research and with a sitter. I have not be scared off of the path entirely, but I took a foolish risk, thinking I knew what I was doing. I'm lucky I got myself out of it with no damage.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Guard Dog Proves His Title

I had a creeper show up at work tonight. He made me wicked uneasy while I was trying to work, following me with this predatory look in his eyes, and M, my co-worker, didn't like him hanging around either, but was unable to kick him out. So I text the Guard Dog and he offers to come up and keep an eye on things.
Creeper finally leaves, saying he'll be back later. M sticks around until her shift ends and then heads home. I send word to GD that I'm now alone and he can come up if he wants to, I'll reimburse him the gas if it's a bust.
30 minutes later, GD walks in.
Less than 5 minutes later, Creeper arrives. He stakes out a table in the corner while I'm putting away stock and talking to GD. With GD there, things are VERY different. Before, I got the distinct feeling that Creeper was trying to undress me by sheer force of mental will. Now, it was like he wasn't even there, cowering in the corner until I had to kick him out for closing time.
GD stuck around and drove me home, just in case Creeper was sitting outside.

The Guard Dog truly lives up to his title.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Note to Myself: Home Cooked vs Fast Food

Fast food is just that. It may be something you indulge in once in a while, or it can become your diet.  Slightly better is restaurant food, but that's something one can only afford if one has the right amount of currency and free time. Home cooked can be the best of all, b/c you know exactly what's in it, who made it, and how it should taste. It takes time, effort, and love and is always worth it, but it can also get boring after a long while.

I lived on Fast Food for 2 years and look how sick I got. I haven't been to a restaurant in ages, and am looking forward to it again, but it doesn't seem to be in teh near future. Home-cooking is a valid option, but I don't have enough energy to put into anything serious right now. Quicky meals here and there, simple but sustaining. Enough to keep me going. I can still go to a restaurant, just don't bring home any leftovers.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Night Out With the Guard Dog

Had a little surprise outing with the Guard Dog today.

I had to bring Shun home after he spent the weekend on my couch again. I had planned to roam the mall that evening after dropping him off, but then decided to see if GD could join me for company.

GD and I wander and talk and flirt and stuff, normal. I bring him home, we smooch in the driveway for a while, talk, smooch, etc..

Talk turned to GD's ghost hunting and paranormal things. Told me about the ghosts in his house and how his brother had seen things.  I felt for the energies and got strong impressions. Described things to GD who nodded and said that's how his brother described the ghost. Creeped us both out.

All thru the evening, GD and I had heard music in stores and started signing along of our own accord. It was uncanny. Hears several songs on my playlist that I had been listening too the month before we first met. All music he already liked. Again, odd.

Notes to Myself - Not a Game, but a Lesson Plan

With 3 players in this juggling game, I've got 3 lessons to learn fromeach of them. The test is not falling for anyof them indiviually. Spred my attention out between teh 3 of them, mange my time, learn from them and teach them in turn.

The Guard Dog teaches Trust.

The Wolfhound teaches Patience.

The Lone Wolf teaches .... I don't know yet. Confidence, maybe. Mine, not his.

The Locals:

The Wolfhound isn't always available, or responsive to text messages. That's because he's still owned by another mistress, whom he cannot fully escape. When he's managed to sneak away for a while, he will contact me. Wait for the next snow storm to really get an idea.

The Guard Dog... the Rottweiler. The dog who looks and sounds dangerous, and is in the wrong situations, but who was trained to protect. Intimidating and victim to "Judging a Book by its Cover" syndrome.

So many things about Guard Dog remind me of my ex, but then I have to remember that GD is very different. He comes from hardy stock, good breeding, and even though he's fucked up in his past, he's made an active effort to bring himself to better things and stay there. He's also well trained.

but so was he or so he claimed and you saw and felt for yourslef how much he hated things about you and women in general he dlighted in your torture there wqas soemthing wrong with him he was dangersous.

 There's a big difference between a cat and a dog. cats are loyal to themselves, chaotic neutral in many cases. Dogs are generally lawful good or chaotic good.

Both the Wolfhound and the Guard Dog have their issues with mothers in their lives, but they also have strong bonds with fathers, sister,s and other relatives. No one's perfect and we all have black sheep int eh family, but most are grey.

The Wolfhound has been sniffing around me for a while, I'm comfortable with him after years of flirting and long talks. It's always been clear that with the Wolfhound, things are a more... bestial nature. A shape I"m comfortable with and a background close to my own. He is also very easy going and casual, and there has never been any pressure. If anything, there's been a lack of pressure until given the go-ahead.  It could be just nerves, but those will fade in time.

The Guard Dog is fairly new, but has made the most profound progress. B/c he reminds me of what I've left behind, every time I learn new truths about him, they cross out my previous assumptions. While there is passion and desire, there is also temperance and control. The Guard Dog was a rough pup int eh past, but with proper training, grew into the self-assured, protective, well-conditioned guardian he is today. He is gentle to me, but doesn't hide his rough side in tales of past exploits. He is honest and doesn't push established boundaries without consent.

 The Outsider:

The Lone Wolf.

He is damaged and the best way I can help him is by being available to talk and listen to his problems. He is in need most of my emotional stability and compassion. Neither the Wolfhound, nor the Guard Dog are in need of "fixing" as far as emotional issues go. They each seem to have control over their own shit, and even tho their lives aren't exactly how they would prefer them to be, they are comfortable in basic needs.

The Lone Wolf is a man-child, struggling to find his place as Alpha Wolf. He must carve out his niche in the world, but lacks the self confidence to do so. He has been the omega of the pack for most of his life and doesn't have the means to break free and begin anew.

The Wolf is anything from Lawful Good, to lawful Evil, depending on who you ask. This wolf... is to depressed to really show his true form. I have hope for him though.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Shun Cooks


Shun Cooks, a set on Flickr.

My friend Shun is a chef, and whenever he comes to visit, he invariably whips up something at 3am.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Notes to Myself - On Lust Spells


After 2 years in hell, I"m taking a break from relationships. Having fun and playing around, yes. Settling into a meaningful, heart-felt relationship, HELL NO.

No more love spells, since those are emotional and complex and good gods, i don't need that. LUST spells, however, are fun, flirty, and no one gets hurt.

3 players.

P1 - The Irish Wolfhound : Local, been interested for years, most progress made, most comfortable around. (Cons - Stuck in a Man Trap, in process of breaking free. Availability scarce.)

P2 - The Guard Dog : Recent, still hesitant but speedy progress being made. (Con - First official date on hold for @ least 3 wks, no vehicle till then. New job, pay delayed.)

P3 - The Alpha Wolf : Long distance, online. (Con - Chance for RL meet up slim.)

Strange how they're all canine...

Friday, January 13, 2012

OLD POST: Elemental Pop Culture Altar

**I"m currently battling a wicked sinus infection (Thank you, Shun...), so to keep things from fizzling out here early, I'm re-posting an older entry from Fantastical Foxy  **

When I first started researching and learning about paganism and magic, I first stuck with just the Elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Ether (Soul). I wanted nothing to do with gods, or spirits, just the parts of the natural world that I could easily see, feel, taste, and smell. Those things were what made magic REAL to me, since they were made up of things I already knew without a doubt existed.

As I was reading the correspondences, the thought occurred to me 'Hey, the mask colors of the TMNT match up with the different elements... and the personalities of each corresponds with the same. I know how I can make an incognito altar!" And so i set my action figures up on my dresser (my first altar) and my parents never were the wiser.

I still keep the Guys on the main altar as Guardians of the Directions/Elements, but since I now have the space, freedom, and ability to do so, I decided to make them their own Elemental Shrine.

 In the Eastern Corner, accompanied by a little ceramic cat (Klunk), and a red-headed fairy (gift from Mom, reminded her of me when I was little), Incense matches and Night Blossom perfume, is Michaelangelo.
In the Northern Corner, flanked by my Dragon Tarot deck, a ceramic fox I made in college, and a river stone, is Donatello.

Raphael watches over the Southern Corner, along with a turtle votive holder, and spare lighter.
Leonardo is a bit lonely int he Western Corner, with only a ceramic sea turtle for company, but that's only until I get some more Water-themed items. I have a silver chalice, but don't know where it went to...

In the center, holding a spot for Splinter until I can track him down, is another Mikey (from the short-lived and badly done live-action series). Beside him are solid sandalwood perfume, and frankincense and myrrh.

Also on the altar are my collection of stones and gems, at least all the ones not currently in use on the Main Altar. They're encircling and holding in a Spell in Progress.
House protection candle, purple glass buoy float (cushioned in a Mikey wristband), and my lucky silver 1946 quarter, "6 Lucky Wishes" bracelet (too fragile to wear), paw print flashy button (idk why it's there, it just felt right), 'gum drop' TMNT figures, my Green Man anklet that finally broke, and Snakey Stone.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

There's a NAME for what I do??

And here i thought I was the only one to use cartoon characters as stand-ins for the gods!

I just ordered two books on Pop Culture Magick . For the last 10 years, I've felt ashamed and frightened because of how I worshiped my gods and spirits. I made the mistake of telling my occult friends in school about my using the TMNT as representations of the elements. I was ridiculed, harassed, BULLIED, THREATENED by these sickos!  After that, I kept my mouth shut and was pretty much terrified to even go to school for a while. And this wasn't high school, this was college, Freshman year. Fun times.

BUT! Now I know I'm not the only one who has turned modern mythical figures into working occult symbols! I FEEL VALIDATED! I'M NOT (totally) CRAZY!

Seriously, I'm super fucking THRILLED by this! I haven't felt this exalted since I first learned what the words "Furry Art" meant, and learned that I wasn't the only person who drew animals instead of people.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

[New Year, New You] Stepping Out of the Hermit Cave

For most of my occult life, I've been a solo practitioner. I didn't trust anyone else to tell me things, preferring to read books and blogs and websites and anything I could get my little witchy paws on, and then figure out for myself what's legit and what's bullshit. I 'talk shop' with a few of my closest friends (K-san and Wuffy) and have even done spells for and with them. But I've never really talked to someone outside of my little contact group. You never know when you'll find a True Believer, or a kook.

Over the last year, I've been feeling isolated and more hermit-like than ever, in regards to my pagan studies and practices. I've felt the need to learn from living sources, asking questions that can be answered right away instead of hunting for info in books. That meant going out and socializing. Sadly, my work schedule keeps me from loitering around the few pagan shops in the area all day. Although more and more pagan/ witchy people have come by the Shop, and even my other job, I haven't been able to figure out how to meet more of these strange, yet generally nice people.

Then i get an email about A Feast of Lights celebration in February. Pre-reg deadline is Jan 15th, the event is the first weekend in February, and on Saturday night there's The Stag King's Masque.

I hemmed and hawed and did some math, then I bounced my thoughts off of my friend, Althea, and all signs pointed to "If you can be careful with your money, pre-reg now, pay by the deadline, and go have fun."

So now I must pack my hermit's cloak up into my bag, put the candle away, and begin cleaning myself up and making myself ready to enter Pagan-society again. My BS meter will be on HI Alert, but I'm hoping that I will be able to warm up quickly to these quirky creatures.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a new teacher.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

[New Year, New You] NYE Candle 'Divination'

Just got home from first official NYE party. No hangover, and I'm stone sober. I'm doing SOMETHING right! Second year in a row I get nicely shit-faced and suffer not a bit the next day.

Last night, when I left for the party, I left a few candles burning in the bathtub (I have a cat, 'nuff said) to welcome in the New Year. St Michael, St Jude, and St Joseph, since I need all the protection, job stability, and hope for lost causes as I can get.

Came home, pet the cat, check on the candles.


Hmmm... I guess I"m protected enough, and job security won't be an issue this year, and I'm not the hopeless cause I thought I was. Although the black smudge and slightly singed paper on the St Jude candle keeps me wary, I'm choosing to interpret that as a good omen.